harlequinhater | 002. VIDEO/ACTION FOR GOLDENROD

[For a moment, the camera is just focused on the wall, and there's an awful lot of snickering happening in the background. It takes a good ten seconds for whoever it is to calm down enough to show their face on screen. The source of the laughter appears to be Penny, but something about her mannerisms seems just a little bit... off. She begins to talk with a barely restrained grin on her face.]

Greetings, everybody! My name is Penny, and I am definitely Penny, without any doubt. I am here to bring you an important announcement!

I- hehehehe- I eat my own boogers! They are very tasty!

[And then she promptly dissolves into helpless giggles. Yeah. Something's not right here.]

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["Penny" is making sure she gets out and about today, to maximize how much she can get out of the strange situation she's found herself in. To everybody she meets, she does the exact same thing - she greets them and extends her hand in a traditionally friendly manner.]

Hello! We should shake hands.

[If you choose to shake her hand, you're definitely going to get shocked by a hand buzzer - but who would suspect sweet, innocent Penny?]

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[Well, this is certainly Dave--but maybe only on second glance, because what the fuck, he's not wearing his shades.]

That's not a nice thing to do to Penny.

[The lack of shades already has "Penny" suspicious, and not chiming in with a metaphor confirms it. Dave should be making some kind of booger joke in response, or at least be going on some sort of tangent about how booger jokes aren't ironic enough or something. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he probably got bodyswapped too.]

You're not Dave. Who are you?

You're not Penny. Who are you?

["Dave" crosses his arms and waits.]

["Penny" crosses her arms in turn.]

No way. I asked you first, dude!

[Wart tilts his head slightly.]

That's an assumption. I might not be a dude.

Okay, fine! I still asked you first, person of unknown gender.

Hmm.

[Uh-oh. Looks like Wart picked up how to be a recalcitrant assbutt somewhere.]

What's it to you? I know none of Dave's friends would pick on Penny like that. She's a nice girl.

It's just a harmless joke! Geez. No need to get so up in arms about it, not-Dave.

[Really, he could have done much worse than "booger eating." This is restraint.]

And I'll have you know that I am one of Dave's best friends, so that just shows how much you know!

Ah. Hey, John.

[Wart dips his head in greeting, and fuck, he is soooo much cooler than Dave when he does it because he's not copying any dumb "how to be cool" code, he just owns it, oddly comfortable in Dave's skin.]

Having fun?

[Dammit. Well, John did kind of give himself away.]

Sort of. I guess it's interesting being in somebody else's shoes for once, but I hope this isn't permanent. Being this short kind of sucks!

Anyways, who are you? You still haven't told me, and I need to make sure my best bro's body is in good hands.

You can't guess?

[But he's smiling a little, calm and collected.]

That's okay. This is Wart. It's already my job not to let him get hurt.

Wait - Wart? As in, Dave's Pokemon Wart?

[John squints at the screen, trying to look for any signs that he misheard. Sure, that would explain why Dave actually seems calm and collected for once...]

Wait, does that mean that Dave's a Pokemon now?

[Wart considers the question, then nods placidly.]

Yes. He's me. I didn't expect him to enjoy the Psychic part so much, but. [Shrug.]

...Does that mean he can read minds now?

Of course he can. That's what I do.

...What he can't do is turn it off.

Oh man... that sounds like it could really suck. What if he's in a room with multiple people? Does that mean he can hear all of their thoughts at once? That sounds like it would be really noisy.

Is he okay?

It can get pretty noisy.

[Wart puts up with so much goddamn shit, guys. All the time. Constantly.]

He's taking a nap in the meantime. He told me to wake him up in an hour.

[Well now John feels a little bad. Here he's just been trying to think of the best way to play jokes with Penny's body, and Dave's apparently dealing with uncontrollable mindreading.]

So... should I leave him alone, then?

[Because Dave had definitely been on John's "to-prank" list.]

Depends. Do you care if he knows everything you think as you think it?

[John, how are you gonna prank a psychic?]

Ugh. I don't know.

[Does he ever think things around Dave that he wouldn't want Dave knowing? John's suddenly second guessing every interaction he's ever had.]

But I mean, like, is it going to be annoying to him to hang out with other people? I won't give him a headache just by being around him and thinking stuff, will I?

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