IC: Route 29 Inbox

[harlequinhater]

ACTION/TEXT/AUDIO/VIDEO

if you're hearing this message, then i'm not here right now!
so leave a message after the beep.

Comments

[callbacks]

Probably not, seeing as Kanaya's got a chainsaw and Karkat likes having all his body parts.

[Oh, hey, that's funny, here comes a text from Karkat saying literally the same thing.]

Okay, he says--and I quote--"Wait never mind don't answer that. Fuck, Dave, no I do not care who you reproduce with. It's moot point anyway by now."

[Dave turns to John with the Most Serious of expressions.]

John. Do you want to have my human babies.

in another universe this is the start of an mpreg fic

[harlequinhater]

[John laughs at that, mostly out of surprise. Man, he's missed just being able to make stupid jokes with Dave like this.]

Yes, Dave. I definitely want to have all of your human babies. But only if you have all of my human babies too! I think it is only fair if we share in impossible baby having together.

The baby...is you

[callbacks]

[Dave does that thing where he smiles without smiling, a shift in his body language that points to attention and cheer.]

Okay, what's your upper limit, because personally I don't think I'm capable of stopping for anything under fifteen. Fifteen pink wailing poop machines, with my eyes and your teeth.

[harlequinhater]

I don't know, Dave. Fifteen might be too much, especially as I am just a poor Pokemon trainer. Think of how much it would cost to buy diapers for fifteen babies! I simply do not have that kind of money. How are we going to support all of these human children?

[callbacks]

Gambling.

[harlequinhater]

Dave, no. I refuse to set such a bad example on all of our babies. We are supposed to be good role models for them!

[callbacks]

Fine, I'll just game the stock market again, no big. Anything for our wiggly turdstonk bundles of joy.

[harlequinhater]

Is there even such a thing as a Pokemon stock market?

[callbacks]

[And, in the most bummed voice imaginable:]

No.

[SIIGGGH.]

Why you gotta bring me down like this, John. Have I ever been anything but the kindest of dudepals to your horrendous face.

[harlequinhater]

Hey, how was I supposed to know? I'm still pretty new here, you know! It was an honest question.

[callbacks]

Well you honestly broke my heart, dude. What're you gonna do. I demand some kind of remuneration for damages.

[harlequinhater]

...What kind of remuneration?

[callbacks]

[Wait. Really?

Dave blinks, then says without thinking:] Watch all ten Sharpedonado movies with me.

[harlequinhater]

[No, not really, but boy that title has his attention.]

What? What the hell is Sharpedonado? And why are there ten of them?

[callbacks]

[Dave youth rolls right off the bed, scrabbles around in his and Karkat's already fairly extensive DVD collection, and comes up with his prize.]

Feast your fuckin' eyes, John. This untrammeled shit is so totally your shit, why didn't I think of this before.

[Sharpedo fuckin' Nado, motherfuckers.]

[harlequinhater]

[John feasts his eyes on the DVD cover, but he finds that this doesn't actually serve to answer any questions. Actually, it brings up a whole host of other questions.]

Wait, what? What is this? What's the plot? This cover is so unhelpful! No, there is not enough said! This doesn't explain anything!

[callbacks]

There's a tornado full of goddamn sharks, John, what's there to understand? They fuckin' eat people's houses. You're watching it with me.

[harlequinhater]

This movie sounds stupid.

But I guess I can watch it. I will be magnanimous and give it a chance! But this means you have to sit and watch a movie with me of my choosing sometime soon.

[callbacks]

Is it Con Air.

[harlequinhater]

Is there even a Pokemon version of Con Air?

And anyways, no! I am so over that old movie. I don't know what I want to watch yet. Just give me some time to figure it out.

[callbacks]

Who are you and what have you done with John Egbert.

...

Also, yes. The one I found's called Con Aerodactyl.

[harlequinhater]

It's been three years, and my tastes have matured from being a dumb preteen to a much smarter teenager, okay? That's it!

[Though... okay, Con Aerodactyl sounds pretty incredible. Not that John is going to admit this right now.]

So are there like... Pokemon versions of all of the movies from our world?

[callbacks]

[Dave makes a doubtful face at that, but okay, John, you keep telling yourself what you want to believe.]

I dunno if all of them, but a lot of them, yeah. Why, are there titles you're looking for.

[harlequinhater]

Well, no.

[......]

Maybe. Are the actors different, or are there Pokemon world versions of, like, Matthew McConaughey and Liv Tyler?