harlequinhater | 001. [TEXT]

001. [TEXT]

uh... hello? does anybody read these memo things?
is this some kind of prank? i wouldn't put it past terezi to pull something dumb like this.
so terezi if you're reading this can we just go through the "gotcha" moment and can you send me back?

anyways if you are NOT terezi and this is NOT a prank could somebody please tell me what's going on?
because last thing i can remember i was running a bunch of weird time errands for an alien girl.
and then i woke up here in a bed that is definitely NOT mine because it doesn't have cool ghost bed sheets.
also apparently i have a mom now?
she is nice i guess and this lunch box looks delicious, don't get me wrong!
but i was doing some important things!
i don't have time to be playing with this cloud bird thing!!!
(though it is a very cute cloud bird, i will give it that.)

i have tried to get back but my weird time jumping powers do not seem to work here.
and i cannot even fly anymore which is such bullshit! i forgot how lame it was to walk around everywhere.
also my sylladex is gone. so i don't have any of my cool computers or weapons.
instead i just have a backpack and this lame "poke gear" thing which doesn't even have pesterchum installed.
so. yeah.
could somebody fill me in, please?

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[Four towns away, with a cry of "JOHN!!!" a young man flails right out of his chair and onto the floor, because he's a real chill and awesome dude like that.]

[Nobody saw that. If anybody saw it, they better have UNseen it, that's all Dave's saying, except he's not really saying that because if a teen falls in a forest and nobody's around to hear it, he's not a complete dweeb.]

what about if instead of that
you explained what the fuck youre doing with
quote
weird time jumping powers
unquote
are you jacking my style
come on dude you cant just jack a dudes style what happened to the sacred terms of our friendship
what happened to the tried and tested legislation that governs our fraternal bond
john
what happened to the bro code

[John has never been happier to see that familiar wall of red text.]

dave!!!
oh man am i glad to see you here.
anyways my weird time jumping powers are being used so that i can save your sorry ass!!
and im pretty sure that saving your best bros life trumps any other bro code laws.
also i got them by sticking my hand into a magical glowing house if that's relevant.
so where are you??
i'm at uhhhh.....
i think that sign said something like new barb town.
does that mean anything to you?

yeah new barb towns so far back itd probably take you a month to walk to where i am
which is goldenrod city for the record
probably the only hole worth calling a city in this whole region
everythings all like natural and junk and smells nice i cant hardly stand it so anyway what was that about saving me

[Guess who's in the same room as Sir Strider over there.]

DAVE FELL OUT OF HIS FUCKING CHAIR, JOHN, THAT HAD BETTER BE YOU.
WHAT ARE THESE TIME ERRANDS AND WHY DID YOU SFJLHGKJKS

[Yeah, Dave may or may not have noticed what he just wrote and tackled him to the floor.]

Edited 2016-03-22 01:05 (UTC)

...John?

[...]

The ID attached to this Gear indicates that the user is John Egbert. Can you confirm that, please?

ughhh i don't want to wait a whole month to have ANOTHER reunion with you.
walking sucks!!
but yeah i have to save you!
since i'm pretty sure you died?
i mean, basically everybody died. even rose!
but terezi gave me this list of things to do with the powers i got from the weird glowing house.
she SAID it would turn things around and fix the timeline...
but i had to do a bunch of weird stuff like steal stuffed animals and honk bike horns?
but now i'm here and you're alive so i guess it must have worked, somehow.

don't worry karkat, it is definitely me!
though dang i really wasted an opportunity here...
if i'd known you guys were actually going to respond i could have pulled off a totally sweet prank.
anyways, terezi assigned me some weird timeline errands.
i had to go and change some really minor stuff back in your troll version of the game for reasons that only old terezi knows, and she did not decide to tell me.

but wait, hold on a second! are you and dave in the same room right now?
man i'm so jealous!
give him a bro pound for me!
or whatever trolls do to show friendly affection.

oh
uhhh
well as far as im aware i still died but like eh the fuck do i know
i mean i was pretty sure that timeline we were in where we all got gratuitously murderstabbed etc was the alpha timeline but???
i mean terezis pretty smart when shes not chugging soda and giggling like some kind of plastered troll juggalo
like a soda chuggalo i guess
i guess what im saying is i trust her intuition on this shit
so
thanks?
i guess????
for future retroactively saving my life in some freshly incomprehensible fashion

john? who is this john of which you speak?
because i am definitely not john and have never heard of a john in my entire life.

...hehehehe.

[...Yup, that's John, all right.]

Of course, my mistake. To whom am I speaking, then?

HJER FUICKIJN IUS
FGOIDSOISDOASM,MMTR FGET OFGFG

[We're sorry, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Please hold.]

what are you talking about?
i mean you're here right now aren't you? doesn't that mean that you are not dead anymore?
unless.....
god, this isn't some dream bubble shenanigans is it?

nah this is some whole other level of insane horseshit shenanigans
did you ever play pokemon
i forget if you had nintendos or not

i'm uh...
zoomsmell pooplord!
(hehehehe.)
who are you?

geez, karkat, i know that all of this is very confusing!
but there's no need to keysmash about it.

uhhh yeah i think i played it a little bit.
i never really got swept up in all the hype but bulbasaur was pretty cool!
me and him were bros.
i don't remember this fluffy bird thing from the games, though.

uhh cloud bird?
is that a swablu
haha thats kind of funny i have one of those
i named it after you

Salutations, and welcome to Johto!

[Sorry John, you're a new person asking questions. So you're getting a nice little infodump whether you really wanted it or not.]

I'm sorry, this isn't a prank, but I can still fill you in! People from all kinds of different worlds wake up here like you did, in that woman's house. She calls herself everyone's mother, but she's very nice! And the food she gives you IS very delicious but you shouldn't eat it all at once, it might have to last a few days until you reach the next town over.

[Learn from her mistakes, John. Foraging in the wild for three days isn't as fun as it might sound.]

Unfortunately, there's no way to get back to wherever you were, at least not intentionally. Sometimes people just vanish and go back home. But it's really nice here! And apparently time stops back home while you're here, which personally doesn't make a lot of sense to me but it's been confirmed by people who've gone home and then returned? It's strange. But just try to think of it as a strange vacation!

And I bet that bird cloud thing is your Pokémon partner, everyone here gets one when they arrive. It can fight to protect you if needed, and they're really good friends too!

And my name is Penny, it's a pleasure to meet you! Did you have any more questions?

[It's entirely possible she heard Dave from down the hall of the inn they're staying at, but let's not jump to conclusions here.]

FUCK

[Annnnd he's back!]

WHAT? NO THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT WAS, GODDAMMIT JOHN WHY WOULD I KEYSMASH OVER THIS
DAVE AND I HAD A DISAGREEMENT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU SAID YOU WERE DOING TIMELINE ERRANDS? HOLD ON, LET ME CATCH UP ON WHAT YOU'VE WRITING TO DAVE.
THESE CONVERSATIONS ARE PUBLIC BY THE WAY, YOU CAN HAVE ONE OF US SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE THEM PRIVATE WHEN YOU GET HERE

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU FIXED THE TIMELINE?? AND YOU WENT INTO OUR SESSION?? WHAT??
JOHN WHAT UTTER BULLSHIT ARE YOU SPEWING, YOU MEAN THINGS ARE
DID YOU ACTUALLY FIX IT? DID YOU CHECK?

ohhh is that what it's called?
i've just been calling it blue since that's all it says.
blue is a cooler name than john, though.
even if i am super flattered that you named it in my honor and all.

no no i didnt name it JOHN
i just named it in your stead seeing as you werent here to be a breezy featherbrain at me all day
i named the rabbit jon
lil jon

...

Hollywood superstar Nicholas Cage.

[Wow that's a lot of information at once. John needs to read it over about three times before he really understands any of it.]

uhhh well thank you for the really thorough introduction, penny!
my name is john.
so.... all of that means that i can spend as long as i want here and then when i get sent back home, everything will be like i left it?
that's kind of a relief, honestly!
so what is there to do here? is it all about battling our pokemons?

what do you mean "when i get there"?
dave said it would take me like a whole month!
that's a WHOLE MONTH of having people peeking in on my heartfelt, private conversations!

and no i did not get to check.
i was about to! but after i punched vriska in the face i ended up here.
so i have no idea what things are like back in the game.

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