harlequinhater | IC: Route 29 Inbox

[After a moment, Dave rolls closer to where John is sitting and holds his fist out for a pound.]

Just because you weren't around the last three years to witness my god-level BFF loyalty doesn't mean it wasn't taking place, dog.

[And that's really all there is to say on the matter, because talking about feelings is for yearly birthday letters. And moirails.]

Besides, when I asked Karkat about how I was supposed to maintain the exclusivity of the relationship, he was all, "Fuck, Strider, I already know you're nigh-on irresistible, not your fault you can't keep cats from pawing on you like you piss high-grade catmint, and also you decorticated monkeys have no sense of pale decorum anyway so whatever, I can deal." ...So he gets it. Nothing's changing, I'm just telling you so if you see me and Karkat, like...h. Holding hands or something, or telling each other, "You don't smell that much like a week-old diaper that got pooped in," you don't get the wrong idea.

[John leans over and returns the fist bump as soon as possible. You don't just leave a friend hanging like that.]

I think the weirdest thing will just be seeing Karkat acting nice to anybody. I will not believe that is possible until I see it!

[Okay, also it will just be weird to see him and Dave holding hands, but this doesn't seem like the kind of thing John should be ribbing his best bro about. At least not yet. He's got to get used to it first before he can start friendly, obnoxious teasing about it.]

Wow. I get that this is the best friend sharing circle, but I didn't know you'd turn out to be a feels rap voyeur, dude.

[Maybe in a few months Dave will be used enough to the concept to take some good-natured winking and nudging. Or, well, that's probably too optimistic. Maybe in ssssssseveral years.]

Anyway, so, like. We're cool? All good? Any, uh, questions or anything.

Yeah, of course we're cool! It's not like I would get mad at you for having an intergalactic relationship with an alien, even if that is really weird.

[As for questions?]

Does this mean he doesn't want you to marry Jade anymore?

[John clearly has his priorities in order.]

[He shouldn't be relieved--of course John is fine with it--but he is. He absolutely is. It's like finally getting off a roller coaster, all anxiety drained and fun still buzzing through his blood. He rolls over happily and pulls out his PokéGear.]

You know, I'll ask him. Also, your face is really weird.

[Did he--yup, he literally just texted Karkat the question.]

Yeah, well your face is weirder!

[John doesn't question that Dave just texted that question off. Of course he did. John honestly wants to know.]

I'd ask him if I'm still supposed to marry Rose, too, but it sounds like she isn't here right now? So I guess it's not like that could happen anyways.

Uhhh, yeah, uh.

[Oh boy...]

She probably wouldn't be too hot on the prospect herself. She's got...other engagements.

Oh, you mean Kanaya?

[See, he's not totally oblivious. John pays attention! Especially to his friend's dying speeches.]

I know that Rose is apparently an alien lesbian now, but that doesn't answer the question of whether or not Karkat thinks we should marry.

Probably not, seeing as Kanaya's got a chainsaw and Karkat likes having all his body parts.

[Oh, hey, that's funny, here comes a text from Karkat saying literally the same thing.]

Okay, he says--and I quote--"Wait never mind don't answer that. Fuck, Dave, no I do not care who you reproduce with. It's moot point anyway by now."

[Dave turns to John with the Most Serious of expressions.]

John. Do you want to have my human babies.

[John laughs at that, mostly out of surprise. Man, he's missed just being able to make stupid jokes with Dave like this.]

Yes, Dave. I definitely want to have all of your human babies. But only if you have all of my human babies too! I think it is only fair if we share in impossible baby having together.

[Dave does that thing where he smiles without smiling, a shift in his body language that points to attention and cheer.]

Okay, what's your upper limit, because personally I don't think I'm capable of stopping for anything under fifteen. Fifteen pink wailing poop machines, with my eyes and your teeth.

I don't know, Dave. Fifteen might be too much, especially as I am just a poor Pokemon trainer. Think of how much it would cost to buy diapers for fifteen babies! I simply do not have that kind of money. How are we going to support all of these human children?

Gambling.

Dave, no. I refuse to set such a bad example on all of our babies. We are supposed to be good role models for them!

Fine, I'll just game the stock market again, no big. Anything for our wiggly turdstonk bundles of joy.

Is there even such a thing as a Pokemon stock market?

[And, in the most bummed voice imaginable:]

No.

[SIIGGGH.]

Why you gotta bring me down like this, John. Have I ever been anything but the kindest of dudepals to your horrendous face.

Hey, how was I supposed to know? I'm still pretty new here, you know! It was an honest question.

Well you honestly broke my heart, dude. What're you gonna do. I demand some kind of remuneration for damages.

...What kind of remuneration?

[Wait. Really?

Dave blinks, then says without thinking:] Watch all ten Sharpedonado movies with me.

[No, not really, but boy that title has his attention.]

What? What the hell is Sharpedonado? And why are there ten of them?

[Dave youth rolls right off the bed, scrabbles around in his and Karkat's already fairly extensive DVD collection, and comes up with his prize.]

Feast your fuckin' eyes, John. This untrammeled shit is so totally your shit, why didn't I think of this before.

[Sharpedo fuckin' Nado, motherfuckers.]

[John feasts his eyes on the DVD cover, but he finds that this doesn't actually serve to answer any questions. Actually, it brings up a whole host of other questions.]

Wait, what? What is this? What's the plot? This cover is so unhelpful! No, there is not enough said! This doesn't explain anything!

There's a tornado full of goddamn sharks, John, what's there to understand? They fuckin' eat people's houses. You're watching it with me.

IC: Route 29 Inbox

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in another universe this is the start of an mpreg fic

The baby...is you

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