harlequinhater | 001. [TEXT]

uh... hello? does anybody read these memo things?
is this some kind of prank? i wouldn't put it past terezi to pull something dumb like this.
so terezi if you're reading this can we just go through the "gotcha" moment and can you send me back?

anyways if you are NOT terezi and this is NOT a prank could somebody please tell me what's going on?
because last thing i can remember i was running a bunch of weird time errands for an alien girl.
and then i woke up here in a bed that is definitely NOT mine because it doesn't have cool ghost bed sheets.
also apparently i have a mom now?
she is nice i guess and this lunch box looks delicious, don't get me wrong!
but i was doing some important things!
i don't have time to be playing with this cloud bird thing!!!
(though it is a very cute cloud bird, i will give it that.)

i have tried to get back but my weird time jumping powers do not seem to work here.
and i cannot even fly anymore which is such bullshit! i forgot how lame it was to walk around everywhere.
also my sylladex is gone. so i don't have any of my cool computers or weapons.
instead i just have a backpack and this lame "poke gear" thing which doesn't even have pesterchum installed.
so. yeah.
could somebody fill me in, please?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

HER NAME WAS NEPETA, YOU INSENSITIVE SHITBAGEL.

[Karkat, what do you have against bagels. Also, just. Give him a minute.]

OK, SO GAMZEE'S STILL ALIVE. FUCKING PERFECT, IT'S WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED.
AND VRISKA AND TEREZI. OK I THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.
WART IS NOT LIKE JADE. HE'S A PSYCHIC/FIGHTING TYPE POKEMON, AND FOR SOME REASON TELEPORTING IS AMONG HIS ABILITIES.
AGAIN, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER NOT TO ANALYZE IT.
JADE IS MORE LIKE A
FUCK I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH POKÉMON FOR THIS, DAVE CALLED HER A LILLIPUP? WAIT, MAYBE A MIGHTYENA, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT FUR.

woah, i'm sorry dude!
i didn't know her name until now. i wasn't trying to offend you.

so okay jade is like a mightypup or whatever.
but i think we are overlooking a very important question here!

what pokemon am i karkat?

A MAGIKARP.

[Zero hesitation. Sorry, John, you are not cool enough for Gyrados yet.]

OR YOUR FEATHERBEAST CLOUD WHATEVER THING, FUCK IF I CARE. DAVE HAS ONE AND I CAN SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.
AND IT'S OK. SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT NEVERMIND. WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT POKÉMON YOU WOULD BE, JOHN, HOW IS THAT YOUR FUCKING PRIORITY.

Edited (TOTALLY DIDN'T FORGET) 2016-03-22 03:20 (UTC)

[John may not know much about Pokemon, but he knows enough to know that "Magikarp" is definitely an insult.]

what! no way.
i would be something way cooler than a magikarp!
YOU'RE the magikarp.

and i don't know, you were trying to figure out what jade would be.
it seemed like a fair question.

WHATEVER, MAGIKARP.
YOU'RE A TRAINER, AREN'T YOU? THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE NOT A TRAINER.

[Meanwhile, he's. Well, okay, he hasn't been doing much breeding or training, but this still seems fucking unfair somehow.]

yeah, i'm a trainer.
why is that such a big deal?
what are you?

[alkfdjsgh why did he bring it up.]

I'M A BREEDER, SAME AS JADE
BUT THAT MEANS I GET TO ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN'T WITHOUT A BADGE, SO SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Edited (fuckimh DDGSFKLHJ) 2016-03-22 03:48 (UTC)

what! that's not fair!

....what are badges and what do they do?

THEY'RE TROPHIES. PROOF THAT YOU BEAT THE GYM LEADERS. THEY ALSO UNLOCK ABILITIES, LIKE BEING ABLE TO FLY ON YOUR POKÉMON.
SO IT LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE FLYING SOONER THAN YOU, FUCKBERT.

what??
ugh that is not fair at ALL!
can we switch jobs or something? is that allowed?
because i don't want to be a trainer if it means I can't fly!
that's just stupid!

YEAH BUT YOU'RE STILL GOING TO NEED YOUR SWABLU TO EVOLVE FIRST, PROBABLY. IT'S WAY TOO SMALL AS IS.
BETTER GET TRAINING.

how do you train pokemons?
like are there pokemon gyms with weights and treadmills and stuff?
i dont know if blue could handle a treadmill.
its legs look really short.
also i dont know if cloud wings are capable of picking up weights?

HAVE THEM FIGHT OTHER POKÉMON, LEVEL UP.
IT'S A FUCKING VIDEO GAME, GENIUS, NO ONE'S GOING TO MAKE THEIR POKÉMON LIFT WEIGHTS.

Edited (forgot icon) 2016-03-22 17:29 (UTC)

never say never, karkat.
i bet that when my pokemon are strong and fully trained they will be able to lift so many weights.
it seems like a useful skill, even in battle!
imagine having a dumb bell thrown in your face.
it would hurt a lot.

[... Suddenly, Karkat remembers very vividly that whole black crush he'd had on John and is totally over now no question about it no feelings whatsoever.]

THEY CAN KILL WITH THEIR MINDS, JOHN, THEY DON'T NEED TO THROW FUCKING DUMB BELLS.
WHATEVER, THE POINT IS YOU TRAIN POKÉMON TO FIGHT OTHER POKÉMON BY HAVING THEM FIGHT FUCKING POKÉMON.
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS FROM THE IDIOT?

geez, karkat, no need to be so rude.
i thought we were buddies now! or wait, do trolls usually call their friends idiots?
....wait a second, this doesn't have anything to do with that weird hate-romance you guys have, does it?

[—OH MY GOD]

NO. WHAT? NO THAT'S STUPID WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! THAT WAS YEARS AGO JOHN I'M COMPLETELY OVER IT.
YOU BEING MY FRIEND DOES NOT PRECLUDE YOU FROM BEING AN IDIOT OR ME CALLING YOU OUT ON IT, DICKWEED, JUST ASK DAVE.

[Is sending John to ask Dave something you really want to encourage in this situation, Karkat. Is it.]

okay, i will ask dave when i see him.
and if you don't call him idiot just as much as you call me an idiot then i am calling bullshit!
because frankly, that was uncalled for. i think equipping pokemon with giant metal things to throw would make them much stronger.

OK *THAT'S* BULLSHIT BECAUSE I CALL DAVE A LOT OF NAMES WITH "IDIOT" FEATURING LESS OFTEN THAN, SAY, "ASSHOLE" OR "DOUCHEFUCKER"
SO IF I'M CALLING YOU AN IDIOT IT'S BECAUSE YOU DAMN WELL DESERVE IT AND NOT BECAUSE I'M FLIRTING WITH YOU.
WOULD YOU JUST LET THAT DIE ALREADY, I TOLD YOU I'M OVER IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT, A CONTRACT SIGNED IN BLOOD STATING THAT I, KARKAT VANTAS, HARBOR NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR JOHN EGBERT WHATSOEVER?
GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, I'VE MOVED ON.
AND THAT'S STILL THE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

Edited 2016-03-22 20:33 (UTC)

geez, karkat!
it was just an innocent question!
i did not spend three years on a meteor with a bunch of trolls like dave did so i am not as wise to all of your weird cultural happenings as he probably is.
i didn't yell at you when you told me to calm my human tits! (which i do not have, by the way.)
so i think you can afford to chill out a little.

SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHN I AM PLENTY CHILL.

[...]

WAS THAT
SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT.

karkat, i hate to break this to you, but you are probably the least chill person that i know.
anyways, talk about what?
my non-existant human tits?
there is nothing to talk about, because i do not have them.

[... WHY DID HE SAY ANYTHING.]

NOTHING. NEVERMIND.
I AM WELL AWARE THAT THE MALES OF YOUR SPECIES DON'T HAVE TITS, JOHN, IT'S A FUCKING EXPRESSION.,

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