harlequinhater | 001. [TEXT]

001. [TEXT]

uh... hello? does anybody read these memo things?
is this some kind of prank? i wouldn't put it past terezi to pull something dumb like this.
so terezi if you're reading this can we just go through the "gotcha" moment and can you send me back?

anyways if you are NOT terezi and this is NOT a prank could somebody please tell me what's going on?
because last thing i can remember i was running a bunch of weird time errands for an alien girl.
and then i woke up here in a bed that is definitely NOT mine because it doesn't have cool ghost bed sheets.
also apparently i have a mom now?
she is nice i guess and this lunch box looks delicious, don't get me wrong!
but i was doing some important things!
i don't have time to be playing with this cloud bird thing!!!
(though it is a very cute cloud bird, i will give it that.)

i have tried to get back but my weird time jumping powers do not seem to work here.
and i cannot even fly anymore which is such bullshit! i forgot how lame it was to walk around everywhere.
also my sylladex is gone. so i don't have any of my cool computers or weapons.
instead i just have a backpack and this lame "poke gear" thing which doesn't even have pesterchum installed.
so. yeah.
could somebody fill me in, please?

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Jade!

[John extracts one arm from Dave so that he can properly pull Jade into the group hug. No way is he letting his ecto-sister get away without some good, solid, hugging action. Hell, Karkat is going to get hugged too, but that can wait until after these other two hugs are hugged to completion. It's just the way heartfelt reunions are done!]

Thanks for the warm welcome, guys. I've gotta say, I'm so ready to be done with SBURB for a while. This game seems at least ten times more fun, even without the cool super powers.

[HUGS FOR EVERYBODY okay that's enough. Dave gets squirmy after a while and slips himself free, ruffles John's hair up into even worse shape.]

Okay, but I still gotta find somebody to lodge a complaint with. It makes no sense that some of these fuckers can fly laden with our aerodynamically unsound asses and we can't. I call bullshit, Pokéworld. Bullllllllshit.

[—"Super cute." Karkat grimaces but doesn't bother snapping "adorabloodthirsty" to correct her because 1) she's probably just saying it to fuck with him anyway, 2) shit's overplayed by this point even if it's still accurate, goddammit, and 3) priorities, namely how stupidly happy all three of them looked tangled together like that.

He misses Kanaya and Terezi. Fuck, he misses everyone but the clown, how ridiculous is that? Pull it together, Karkat.

Glancing at Dave, he snorts and rolls his eyes at all three of them.]

Oh, the tragedy of it all. Reduced to mere mortals, literally pedestrian, how will you poor god tiers cope? Your pain must be legendary. I for one am touched, or maybe that's just a precursor to me finally achieving my lifelong dream of becoming so nauseated I puke out of every orifice. Can we move the fuck on now, I'd like to maybe not have to listen to more shit from you people than you're already desperately clenching your inflamed sphincters to contain.

Oh, shut the fuck up Karkat Crabpants! [It's said in a good natured tone as Jade also releases her brother and ruffles his hair.] John's already missed so much here, and he needs to meet Ruby and Penny and--oh damn, so many people!

[John allows the other two to leave the hug, and even allows his hair to be ruffled, though the action causes his Swablu to flutter down to his shoulder instead.]

I think I've already met Penny, kind of? She sent me a long message about how there are people from different worlds here. Though geez, how many new friends have you guys made? Is there anybody else from Sburb here?

[Then he's off to Karkat in his new, squishier human form. Yeah, you're getting hugged too, buddy.]

[Dave stands by with his hands in his pockets and a satisfied air about him as John goes to hug the Katkat.]

Nah, just us. Though a lot of people here have met us before, through time shenanigans.

[NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE, HARLEY. As for the rest of it, he's—okay, he's somewhat accustomed to Jade's hugging of everyone and everything, but he somehow hadn't expected her ecto-sibling to share that trait. Is it genetic? How do human genetics work? Whatever the case, he's only just too late to back away in time, and yep, there it goes, he's being hugged.]

Goddammit, John, would you—ugh.

[Trolls are not a naturally huggy species, this is weird, get off please. He'd tolerated it from Jade because he'd been too stunned at the time to react (it had nothing at all to do with any former or current crushes at all, shut up), but from John, it's. It's. sADSjghafghjsdjlkha how do normal friend hugs work, do they even have a relationship where hugs are appropriate, should he be pushing him off? Oh god, what if he interprets that as more caliginous flirting, what if it is caliginous flirting, what if this hug is caliginous flirting, John has to know he's uncomfortable with it, what the HELL.

Karkat gives him a tentative push, just to see if he'll let go. Are they done yet. Is the hug done yet. Please say the hug is done, this is stupid.]

Would you let the fuck go already.

Penny does that sometimes, that's just how she is!

[Being a robot would do that, but Jade promised Penny to not just go sharing that information with people.]

We've made a lot of friends, not just from the people that knew us before--mostly Dave, though, you know how that Strider charm is! Oh--we have so many things to show you here besides all of our cool new friends, there's a baseball stadium too!

[John lingers for a moment after the push, just because he can't let Karkat get his way entirely, but he does back off. Hugs aren't as fun when the other side of the hug is a prickly ex-troll who prefers insults to actual friendly greetings.]

Geez, Dave, who knew you'd be so popular in Pokemon land? And a baseball stadium? Do the Pokemon play baseball?

[He looks to his new tiny bird friend.]

I feel like a lot of them wouldn't be able to hold a bat.

Excuse you, why wouldn't I be popular in Pokémon land. My appeal is both universal and unstoppable. You should see what happens when I walk to work, maidens gotta have their tank fighters out in force when I pass by on the street in case they faint from proximity to a legend.

[Wart's gone off to hang out on the sidelines, but he can't help but put his head in his hand. Why couldn't Dave return him to the Pokéball before he started talking. Why must he suffer in this way.]

Also, that's a baseball stadium? I thought it might be, like. A basketball field.

[Yeah no. Wart puts his head in both hands. Even the Pokémon know more about sports than you, Dave.]

[FREEDOM except that now Karkat doesn't know what to do with himself, exactly. Getting out of hug range is the obvious first move, but then... uhh. Yeah. Goddammit, why couldn't Kanaya or Terezi turned up with the rest of the newcomers?

Mouthing "tank fighters?" to himself, he shakes his head and goes to join poor Wart. He feels your pain, Pokébro. Brokémon? Holy fuck, he's spending too much time around Dave.]

Don't be stupid, of course the Pokémon don't play baseball. Or basketball.

[What even are those. No, wait, he doesn't care. Phew, glad they cleared that up.]

Noooo, people play it! I guess some Pokemon could play if they wanted to? But many would not be able to do it very effectively.

[She's not going to even touch the basketball commentary going on here. Even she can tell the difference between the two types of stadiums, goodness gracious.]

Whatever--it does not matter! We need to get John settled in first before we can do all the fun stuff like watching balls and introducing him to friends.

Look, we are in a Pokemon world, so I am going to assume that there are Pokemon versions of all normal earth things until further notice.

[It's the only reasonable thing to do, really.]

Anyways, I've been meaning to ask this, but where are we right now? I know Dave said Goldenpod Town or something like that but... is this a house? Do you guys live here?

Please, like we'd settle like a farmers reaching the New World in the times we needed the Louisiana Purchase peopled, before the U.S. had immigration laws. No, what do you take us for.

[Dave reclaims the seat he supposedly--SUPPOSEDLY--fell out of.]

This is a hotel. We get housekeeping service.

And it's "Goldenrod City," not whatever the fuck you just said.

[Because that's clearly an important thing to establish, somehow. Just... yeeeaahhhh, this sure is a fuckload of human things people are talking about. He's used to it by now, or should be, but that doesn't quite change the fact that he's keenly aware he's the only troll in the respiteblock at the moment. And Dave's sitting in his fucking chair and asldkfgfdgj for fuck's sake, Karkat, let it go already.]

Penny and the others are in the adjacent rooms. We'll get you set up in one, too, unless you want to double with Jade or something?

[Human siblings shared rooms sometimes, right? How the fuck does this work again, he should have paid more attention.]

I don't think he would want to, considering he's been on a ship with me for the past three years.

[Karkat you know, she's told you about the shitbaby tantrums. Jade is not about to stir up that cauldron again, even if she is a witch.]

We are not finished with our journey around this land either, so it's not time to settle in a farmhouse and spend the rest of our days tending to cattlemons and such.

Uh, yeah, no offense to Jade, but it'd be kind of weird sharing a room. Not that you're not awesome, Jade! But it'd probably be best to get my own space.

[A pause, and suddenly he's rummaging in his backpack. He pulls out a wallet and waves it around a bit.]

Though how much does this place cost? Because I've got some Pokedollars, but I don't know how much this is? Can I afford to stay here?

Nope.

[Helpful as ever. He tips his chair back again, because some people don't learn lessons the first time around.]

Get a job.

[.......... but if they're siblings then. It. ???????? Okay you know what, fuck it, he gives up.]

Six hundred a night. You're going to need a fucking job.

Yep, it's time for you to join the working force just like the rest of us, Egbert!

[Of course she's smiling at having to say something like this.]

But be careful with what you say around some of the people we're traveling with--Yang will suplex you and then make you put some of your paycheck in the swear jar!

What kind of work force is there in Pokemon land anyways? How am I supposed to get a job? I don't even have a resume!

[And wait- suplex? Swear jar? What has he gotten himself into?]

...Also who is Yang and why does she care so much about swearing?

[Okay no, one of these things is of way more immediate importance than the other.]

She's one of the girls we've been traveling with. She, uh...

[How does he put this.]

One of the other girls is her sister, and Yang's got, uh. Feelings. About language.

[He shoots Jade a betrayed look. How could you, Jade. How could you sell him and Karkat out like this.]

[... The Fucking Swear Jar. Excuse him, he needs to join Dave in sending Jade betrayed looks.]

She's... blond, that's the word, right? [What are hair colors.] Like Dave said, she has fucking opinions. Weiss, too, but she's not as obnoxious about it.

[Sort of, anyway. Also, yeah, uh—]

What the fuck is a resume?

Karkat's just saying that because he's scared of her. But yeah, Yang's younger sister Ruby is here and she doesn't want her to be exposed to nasty language.

[And she's completely ignoring the betrayed looks because, seriously? She's just warning her brother, you babies.]

You'd be surprised, they let us work anywhere with no resumes required! It's so weird, but fun? I like working at the drive in!

I guess it makes sense if she has a little sister. I will do my best not to swear around little kids either!

[He might be underestimating Ruby's age based on that comment.]

Okay so.... you can just get hired? No questions? I don't even need a fancy suit for an interview? I guess I could probably find somewhere to work, then... Though it seems pretty stupid to have to work an actual real life job in the middle of a Pokemon adventure.

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now that i've had more time to think about it

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