harlequinhater | IC: Route 29 Inbox

[Yeah, Dave is definitely pink around the face.]

Ssssooo...you know how trolls have four quadrants? And how two of those quadrants don't have anything at all to do with bumping uglies or smoochin' or any of that stuff, so if someone were hypothetically to be in one of those quadrants with a troll they wouldn't actually be gay?

[John's face immediately falls into into a grimace at the word "quadrants." Goddammit, not even Karkat is a troll here, do they still have to deal with this bullshit?]

Ugh, honestly Dave, I tried to block out as much about troll quadrants as possible! Human romance is already ridiculous and dumb as it is without there being three extra versions of it. Why does it even matter?

I mean, yeah, I know--[God does he know.]--but hear me out. What if being in one of those quadrants was, like, actually...kind of nice? And you wanted to keep being in it, but you didn't want to weird out your friend who didn't really get the troll shit and tended to joke around dismissively about stuff like that? In general. Hypothetically.

[Give John a moment, Dave. He's thinking. Okay, maybe give him two moments... three moments.....]

Dave, are you dating a troll?

[There we go!]

Oh man, who is it? Is it Terezi? I never really got the chance to catch up with her before she sent me on these ridiculous missions, but it sounded like she had romance issues with you. Though wait, she isn't even here right now, so does that even still count?

[Close, John. So close.]

[This is why he didn't want to do this in the hall. Or around Karkat. CHRIST, JOHN.]

Ugh, no--I mean, yes, I was involved with Terezi, sort of, a while ago, but we called it off and also that's none of your business, and Also the Second, not what I was talking about.

[WHY WOULD DATING TEREZI MAKE HIM GAY don't even answer that.]

I'm not dating any trolls, John. I mean, not in the way humans date. And not hate dating either, don't even go there, the whole concept makes me wicked uncomfy and I don't like thinking about it.

[Okay, so he's not dating any trolls, but he's going on about quadrants. Why does Dave have to be so cagey about everything?]

Okay, so you are not dating or hate-dating any trolls. So what are you doing then? Because if you aren't doing anything then I don't see a reason for this conversation!

[Auggghhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyy. Dave buries his face in the covers again, cheeks burning. WHY THIS, JOHN. WHY IS THIS EVERY BIT AS EXCRUCIATING AS HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

The pillows are right by his head, so he just grabs one blindly, pulls it tight over his head and just. Stays there.

Eventually, in the softest, most muffled voice that has ever conveyed human thought, he says:]

'M in a quadrant with Karkat.

[Sorry Dave, John doesn't exactly have super human hearing.]

What was that?

[Suffering Troll Jesus, give him strength. Dave takes a breath, braces himself, finally lifts his face enough to speak, and says:]

I'm in a quadrant with Karkat!

[

Yeah actually kill him now, good-bye forever, he is never coming out from under this pillow.]

With Karkat?

[That's a shock. In hindsight it probably makes sense, because Karkat is the only troll available for quadrant-ing, but also Karkat is... well, Karkat. Who is also a guy. And an alien. Is Dave gay? Geez, this is a lot to take in.]

Wait, and it's not the hate-quadrant? Which one is it then? Please tell me it's not the one with three people.

No, Jesus Christ.

[He wants to laugh. This is so stupid.]

It's the. The bros one. I mean, it's more complicated than that, but that's how he explained it to me. Sort of. Dude, I can't even pronounce the asspastecizing one, that's the anti-hate non-threesome.

Okay. So... you're like best bros with Karkat then?

[That's easy enough to understand, though John doesn't really know why that counts as a type of romance. Then again, trolls are weird. Still, that does open up one very important question.]

...Does that mean we can't be best bros anymore?

No, dude, that's different. It's like...

[He turns his head a little so he can look at John while still maintaining safety beneath his pillow shield.]

A moirail--that's the troll thing--that's the best bro you go to for feelings and junk. But you're, you know, my main dude I go to hang out with and bunp fists with until we bleed out from the knuckles because I like you. Not that I don't like Karkat, or that I can't bring up heavy shit with you, but it's just...they're different categories.

[There's overlap, but the feeling is different.]

You're my best friend, John. Don't be a moron, you can't turn that shit off.

I guess I can understand that. I just don't want to make you accidentally cheat on your troll bro, I guess?

[Being culturally sensitive is hard, especially when the culture is alien and makes no sense at all.]

I'm glad that we're still best friends, though. Like, not that it would ever conceivably change, but three years is a long time, so I guess it's always good to make sure.

[After a moment, Dave rolls closer to where John is sitting and holds his fist out for a pound.]

Just because you weren't around the last three years to witness my god-level BFF loyalty doesn't mean it wasn't taking place, dog.

[And that's really all there is to say on the matter, because talking about feelings is for yearly birthday letters. And moirails.]

Besides, when I asked Karkat about how I was supposed to maintain the exclusivity of the relationship, he was all, "Fuck, Strider, I already know you're nigh-on irresistible, not your fault you can't keep cats from pawing on you like you piss high-grade catmint, and also you decorticated monkeys have no sense of pale decorum anyway so whatever, I can deal." ...So he gets it. Nothing's changing, I'm just telling you so if you see me and Karkat, like...h. Holding hands or something, or telling each other, "You don't smell that much like a week-old diaper that got pooped in," you don't get the wrong idea.

[John leans over and returns the fist bump as soon as possible. You don't just leave a friend hanging like that.]

I think the weirdest thing will just be seeing Karkat acting nice to anybody. I will not believe that is possible until I see it!

[Okay, also it will just be weird to see him and Dave holding hands, but this doesn't seem like the kind of thing John should be ribbing his best bro about. At least not yet. He's got to get used to it first before he can start friendly, obnoxious teasing about it.]

Wow. I get that this is the best friend sharing circle, but I didn't know you'd turn out to be a feels rap voyeur, dude.

[Maybe in a few months Dave will be used enough to the concept to take some good-natured winking and nudging. Or, well, that's probably too optimistic. Maybe in ssssssseveral years.]

Anyway, so, like. We're cool? All good? Any, uh, questions or anything.

Yeah, of course we're cool! It's not like I would get mad at you for having an intergalactic relationship with an alien, even if that is really weird.

[As for questions?]

Does this mean he doesn't want you to marry Jade anymore?

[John clearly has his priorities in order.]

[He shouldn't be relieved--of course John is fine with it--but he is. He absolutely is. It's like finally getting off a roller coaster, all anxiety drained and fun still buzzing through his blood. He rolls over happily and pulls out his PokéGear.]

You know, I'll ask him. Also, your face is really weird.

[Did he--yup, he literally just texted Karkat the question.]

Yeah, well your face is weirder!

[John doesn't question that Dave just texted that question off. Of course he did. John honestly wants to know.]

I'd ask him if I'm still supposed to marry Rose, too, but it sounds like she isn't here right now? So I guess it's not like that could happen anyways.

Uhhh, yeah, uh.

[Oh boy...]

She probably wouldn't be too hot on the prospect herself. She's got...other engagements.

Oh, you mean Kanaya?

[See, he's not totally oblivious. John pays attention! Especially to his friend's dying speeches.]

I know that Rose is apparently an alien lesbian now, but that doesn't answer the question of whether or not Karkat thinks we should marry.

Probably not, seeing as Kanaya's got a chainsaw and Karkat likes having all his body parts.

[Oh, hey, that's funny, here comes a text from Karkat saying literally the same thing.]

Okay, he says--and I quote--"Wait never mind don't answer that. Fuck, Dave, no I do not care who you reproduce with. It's moot point anyway by now."

[Dave turns to John with the Most Serious of expressions.]

John. Do you want to have my human babies.

[John laughs at that, mostly out of surprise. Man, he's missed just being able to make stupid jokes with Dave like this.]

Yes, Dave. I definitely want to have all of your human babies. But only if you have all of my human babies too! I think it is only fair if we share in impossible baby having together.

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in another universe this is the start of an mpreg fic