harlequinhater | 001. [TEXT]

001. [TEXT]

uh... hello? does anybody read these memo things?
is this some kind of prank? i wouldn't put it past terezi to pull something dumb like this.
so terezi if you're reading this can we just go through the "gotcha" moment and can you send me back?

anyways if you are NOT terezi and this is NOT a prank could somebody please tell me what's going on?
because last thing i can remember i was running a bunch of weird time errands for an alien girl.
and then i woke up here in a bed that is definitely NOT mine because it doesn't have cool ghost bed sheets.
also apparently i have a mom now?
she is nice i guess and this lunch box looks delicious, don't get me wrong!
but i was doing some important things!
i don't have time to be playing with this cloud bird thing!!!
(though it is a very cute cloud bird, i will give it that.)

i have tried to get back but my weird time jumping powers do not seem to work here.
and i cannot even fly anymore which is such bullshit! i forgot how lame it was to walk around everywhere.
also my sylladex is gone. so i don't have any of my cool computers or weapons.
instead i just have a backpack and this lame "poke gear" thing which doesn't even have pesterchum installed.
so. yeah.
could somebody fill me in, please?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

but then when WOULD i turn seventeen?
i dont want to wait all the way until the NEXT april!
anyways if im counting my months right then you wouldnt have had a full year of being sixteen when you hit your birthday here either!
so i am going to be seventeen and you can't stop me!

dude i had roughly half a year at that point
thats round uppable
you cant round two weeks up to a year

yeah but i did a lot of weird timeline hopping and dreambubble stuff!
so that definitely adds like a whole month on, minimum.

[It definitely doesn't, but Dave doesn't need to know that.]

anyways, you're still going to be older than me!
what do you care?

well if were counting weird time shit ive got at least a year on all of you at this point so comparatively i should be like
twenty three
anyway i guess we can argue how youre going to have to wait a year for your birthday like literally everyone else later
are you sufficiently settled are you ready to get picked up

uhh i guess so.
i have just been on this bench texting for like the last hour.
are you picking me up using toe wart or whatever its called?
karkat told me you had a magical teleporting pokemon.

his name is wart and technically im pretty sure all pokemon are some degree magical
but yes
thats the plan
objections?

i guess not?
is there anything i need to do here?
do you need coordinates or something?

nah just sit tight
youre still in town right?
hell find you

[And then a serious-looking Gallade with a red bandanna teleports into town. Where is Dave's blue friend? Hm.]

uh.... okay.
i'm going to pretend that that doesn't sound like a line out of a horror movie.
what should i be looking out for here?

[John is sitting on a bench with his Pokegear out and a Swablu nesting comfortably in his mess of hair. He's probably going to be oblivious for as long as this handheld device keeps telling him there are new messages.]

hes white and green and has a very impressive shark fin thing on his head
also he can read minds

[Wart is, in fact, employing that particular skill right now to find whatever mind feels like it's talking to Dave. It's. Honestly kind of a unique feeling.

He walks over and waves to the Swablu. Get your trainer's attention, would you, dude?]

reading minds is equally creepy, dude!

[Yeah, John definitely doesn't notice, but thankfully his Swablu is a little more attentive to their surroundings. She gets the hint and begins flapping her little cloud wings, until John finally has to look up to try and stop her. And lo and behold, there is a white and green pokemon with a shark fin on its head.]

Oh, damn, you've got to be Dave's wart. Hi, my name is John! Uh...

[He holds out a hand. Is he supposed to shake? Do you have to politely introduce yourself to Pokemon? Back to the Pokegear.]

dave i think he found me.
what do i do now?? do i need to give him a secret code or something?

[Wart's been around long enough to know what a handshake is. He rolls his eyes a little and indulges in it. At the same time as Dave texts him back a "lmao what?? yes of course dude obviously" Wart says, telepathically:]

I can hear you, you know. No, you don't need a secret code. Are you ready to go?

[John fires back a friendly "fuck you!" to Dave before looking back to Wart.]

I guess I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.

Okay. One second.

[And there's exactly one second of disorienting mind travel, and then:]

Hey.

[There's Dave, sitting on Karkat.]

[It takes John a moment to shake off the disorientation of being teleported - but then his face breaks into a huge smile, because there's Dave! And... some other human guy who looks kind of familiar. Whatever!]

Dave! Oh man is it good to see you in person again. I know it hasn't actually been that long since I last hugged it out with some other version of you but it feels like ages. Come on!

[And he holds his arms out as wide as they go. Dave get over here, it is bro hugging time.]

[—Oh what the hell.]

Dave!

[He hisses the name not-quite-under his breath and gives the fucking giraffe camped out on top of him a smack, squirming to try and free himself. What is with these assholes and sitting on him lately? Sure it's technically just the second time but goddammit, Dave, you could have at least let him be STANDING when fucking John turned up!]

You regurgitated sack of effluent mucus, get the fuck off of me!

[It doesn't really need to be said when Dave's probably going to head over for that hug anyway, but it still makes him feel better. This is such bullshit.]

Gross.

[Dave makes sure to squash Karkat's face as he gets up--serves you right, fucklord--and stands, tilts his chin to indicate how hard he's rolling his eyes, how tolerant he's being of John's weird super-friendly "hugging" custom, and goes in for the bro hug bump.

God. He hugs John tightly, and if Dave were perhaps less of a noodle and more of an awesome hard swordsman, maybe he could have even lifted him. Best friend affection secured, though. He's missed John so much.]

Maybe it's only been like five minutes for you, but some of us have no recollection of meeting you in person, like. Ever? Windghosting through my room for two seconds does not fucking count.

[John doesn't return the hug quite as strongly as Dave does, but he still makes it tight and warm, and he has decided he isn't going to be the first one to let go. Sure, maybe he had only hugged a Dave an hour or so ago, but he gets to stay with this Dave. That counts for something.]

I'm sorry! Things just got sort of crazy for a bit. And I didn't really figure out how to control the windghosting until recently. But now we can hang out and have all kinds of friendship adventures in person without uncontrollable teleportation or death.

[It's about now that John looks over Dave's shoulder at the human he had previously been sitting on. He doesn't recognize who he is immediately, but Jade had mentioned Karkat is a human now, and who else speaks like that?]

Oh my god, Karkat? Is that you? Oh man, it's weird to see you all human-colored now.

[Fuck you, too, bulgejockey, and argh, god, what is with humans and hugging anyway? Dave isn't like this on his own, nor is Rose, so just. What.

Grumbling to himself, Karkat hoists himself to his feet and very tactfully lets the two get on with their (really rather long?) platonic friendship whatever while he makes a cursory attempt fix his rumpled clothes. Damn Dave for tackling him anyway, who does that? Besides humans and Nepeta. Nevermind, stupid question.

He glances over again when John says his name, rolling his eyes because who else and also thanks for the reminder, assclown, how could he have forgotten!]

Yeah, it's me. Nice to see you when I'm not getting fucking impaled, as magical an experience as that was.

[Either time, even. Ugh.]

Hehehe.

[Speaking of Jade, of course she's sitting nearby watching all of this going on. A significantly bigger cloud bird is at her side serving as a pillow of sorts.]

I told you! He's super cute, right?

[Now it's Jade's turn to hop up and join the hug, turning it into one big group hug. What can she say, she missed her ecto twin.]

Welcome to the world of Pokemon, John Egbert!

Jade!

[John extracts one arm from Dave so that he can properly pull Jade into the group hug. No way is he letting his ecto-sister get away without some good, solid, hugging action. Hell, Karkat is going to get hugged too, but that can wait until after these other two hugs are hugged to completion. It's just the way heartfelt reunions are done!]

Thanks for the warm welcome, guys. I've gotta say, I'm so ready to be done with SBURB for a while. This game seems at least ten times more fun, even without the cool super powers.

[HUGS FOR EVERYBODY okay that's enough. Dave gets squirmy after a while and slips himself free, ruffles John's hair up into even worse shape.]

Okay, but I still gotta find somebody to lodge a complaint with. It makes no sense that some of these fuckers can fly laden with our aerodynamically unsound asses and we can't. I call bullshit, Pokéworld. Bullllllllshit.

[—"Super cute." Karkat grimaces but doesn't bother snapping "adorabloodthirsty" to correct her because 1) she's probably just saying it to fuck with him anyway, 2) shit's overplayed by this point even if it's still accurate, goddammit, and 3) priorities, namely how stupidly happy all three of them looked tangled together like that.

He misses Kanaya and Terezi. Fuck, he misses everyone but the clown, how ridiculous is that? Pull it together, Karkat.

Glancing at Dave, he snorts and rolls his eyes at all three of them.]

Oh, the tragedy of it all. Reduced to mere mortals, literally pedestrian, how will you poor god tiers cope? Your pain must be legendary. I for one am touched, or maybe that's just a precursor to me finally achieving my lifelong dream of becoming so nauseated I puke out of every orifice. Can we move the fuck on now, I'd like to maybe not have to listen to more shit from you people than you're already desperately clenching your inflamed sphincters to contain.

Oh, shut the fuck up Karkat Crabpants! [It's said in a good natured tone as Jade also releases her brother and ruffles his hair.] John's already missed so much here, and he needs to meet Ruby and Penny and--oh damn, so many people!

[John allows the other two to leave the hug, and even allows his hair to be ruffled, though the action causes his Swablu to flutter down to his shoulder instead.]

I think I've already met Penny, kind of? She sent me a long message about how there are people from different worlds here. Though geez, how many new friends have you guys made? Is there anybody else from Sburb here?

[Then he's off to Karkat in his new, squishier human form. Yeah, you're getting hugged too, buddy.]

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