harlequinhater | IC: Route 29 Inbox

[As it turns out, what John is doing with his cloud bird on Thursday is working on teaching that cloud bird tricks. Said tricks have almost no practical application in battle, but John has seen the calendar, and he knows exactly when Blue's big debut is going to be.

Unfortunately for Dave, John is doing this in his hotel room, so he is definitely around to answer the door. Before he does, some panicked shuffling can be heard, including John's hushed whisper of "under the blanket, quick." But in another moment, he's opening the door just far enough so that he can poke his head out. His face noticeably brightens when he sees who it is, but he doesn't open the door any further.]

Dave! Hey, what's up? Me and Blue were just, uh... training.

[Uh. What.

Dave blinks behind his shades, because John is being the shiftiest little asshole right now in his friendly John way. After a second, he glances up to see if there's something balanced up on top of the door, even though logically that would make no sense, the door was closed just a second ago, how would he even get a bucket up there in that time.]

Right. I'm gonna do the beneficent friend thing and pretend your "training" isn't even a little bit fishy, bro. Uh, but do you have a minute?

[INSTANT REGRET, he would very much like to abscond now. But nope, it's out there, he's committed.]

There's something I forgot to tell you about the other day.

[Maybe John should be concerned about whatever Dave wants to talk about, but he's much more more concerned with keeping his door mostly closed. He's got secrets to keep.]

Yeah, sure. I can talk. Can we do this in the hallway? Or can we go to your room? Because my room is kind of a mess right now. Not that anything fishy is happening in here but you can't come in.

[Does it count as rolling your eyes if no one can SEE your eyes? Dave sighs.]

Yeah, fine, my room is fine. Tell Blue you're not abandoning him to fend for himself in the wilds of your fake fishy mess, I'm not doing this in the hall.

[Is his face pink? His face might be a little pink.]

Actually my Pokemon phone told me that Blue was a girl. I didn't even know that there were boy and girl Pokemon! Who knew?

[He vanishes into his room for a moment, and tells Blue to "keep practicing" before he pops back out again, shutting the door behind him. Nothing fishy here, no siree.]

Okay, lead the way!

[Dave adds, "Sorry, Blue, you're a very pretty girl," over John's shoulder in the scant second he gets between all the popping in and out, then half-shrugs, half-rolls his shoulders to get himself to relax.]

Okay, if you don't know where my room is by now, I really gotta reassess the viability of letting you out of anybody's sight, ever.

[But he does lead the way, just the couple doors down until he gets to the room he's sharing with Karkat, who is for the purposes of this thread totally not there because I say so. Dave lets them both in, then just flops face-down across his bed.]

Mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnhhhhhhh.

[Could he not. He'd like to not.]

Look, it would be rude if I led the way, because then I'd have to open your door, which is kind of weird if it isn't my room.

[John sits down on the floor, cross-legged, continuing to chatter away, temporarily oblivious to Dave's plight.]

Plus, I don't know if you lock your door or not! It would be really awkward if I started trying to open your locked door, and then the door knob wouldn't budge so I'd have to wait for you to get your key out...

[Okay, now it's processing that Dave is face-down on his bed making a sound like he's dying. That's a bit weird.]

...Hey, are you okay, Dave?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[...He says, directly into his quilt. After a beat, he turns his head so he can see John.]

Okay. So, the thing I wanted to tell you about.

[Oh, right, the thing. The thing for John. The thing chosen especially to tell John, today. John's thing. That thing.]

[John squints at him a bit. Why is Dave being so cagey? John is the one with vital secrets to hide here!]

Yeah? What about the thing you wanted to tell me?

[Yeah, Dave is definitely pink around the face.]

Ssssooo...you know how trolls have four quadrants? And how two of those quadrants don't have anything at all to do with bumping uglies or smoochin' or any of that stuff, so if someone were hypothetically to be in one of those quadrants with a troll they wouldn't actually be gay?

[John's face immediately falls into into a grimace at the word "quadrants." Goddammit, not even Karkat is a troll here, do they still have to deal with this bullshit?]

Ugh, honestly Dave, I tried to block out as much about troll quadrants as possible! Human romance is already ridiculous and dumb as it is without there being three extra versions of it. Why does it even matter?

I mean, yeah, I know--[God does he know.]--but hear me out. What if being in one of those quadrants was, like, actually...kind of nice? And you wanted to keep being in it, but you didn't want to weird out your friend who didn't really get the troll shit and tended to joke around dismissively about stuff like that? In general. Hypothetically.

[Give John a moment, Dave. He's thinking. Okay, maybe give him two moments... three moments.....]

Dave, are you dating a troll?

[There we go!]

Oh man, who is it? Is it Terezi? I never really got the chance to catch up with her before she sent me on these ridiculous missions, but it sounded like she had romance issues with you. Though wait, she isn't even here right now, so does that even still count?

[Close, John. So close.]

[This is why he didn't want to do this in the hall. Or around Karkat. CHRIST, JOHN.]

Ugh, no--I mean, yes, I was involved with Terezi, sort of, a while ago, but we called it off and also that's none of your business, and Also the Second, not what I was talking about.

[WHY WOULD DATING TEREZI MAKE HIM GAY don't even answer that.]

I'm not dating any trolls, John. I mean, not in the way humans date. And not hate dating either, don't even go there, the whole concept makes me wicked uncomfy and I don't like thinking about it.

[Okay, so he's not dating any trolls, but he's going on about quadrants. Why does Dave have to be so cagey about everything?]

Okay, so you are not dating or hate-dating any trolls. So what are you doing then? Because if you aren't doing anything then I don't see a reason for this conversation!

[Auggghhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyy. Dave buries his face in the covers again, cheeks burning. WHY THIS, JOHN. WHY IS THIS EVERY BIT AS EXCRUCIATING AS HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

The pillows are right by his head, so he just grabs one blindly, pulls it tight over his head and just. Stays there.

Eventually, in the softest, most muffled voice that has ever conveyed human thought, he says:]

'M in a quadrant with Karkat.

[Sorry Dave, John doesn't exactly have super human hearing.]

What was that?

[Suffering Troll Jesus, give him strength. Dave takes a breath, braces himself, finally lifts his face enough to speak, and says:]

I'm in a quadrant with Karkat!

[

Yeah actually kill him now, good-bye forever, he is never coming out from under this pillow.]

With Karkat?

[That's a shock. In hindsight it probably makes sense, because Karkat is the only troll available for quadrant-ing, but also Karkat is... well, Karkat. Who is also a guy. And an alien. Is Dave gay? Geez, this is a lot to take in.]

Wait, and it's not the hate-quadrant? Which one is it then? Please tell me it's not the one with three people.

No, Jesus Christ.

[He wants to laugh. This is so stupid.]

It's the. The bros one. I mean, it's more complicated than that, but that's how he explained it to me. Sort of. Dude, I can't even pronounce the asspastecizing one, that's the anti-hate non-threesome.

Okay. So... you're like best bros with Karkat then?

[That's easy enough to understand, though John doesn't really know why that counts as a type of romance. Then again, trolls are weird. Still, that does open up one very important question.]

...Does that mean we can't be best bros anymore?

No, dude, that's different. It's like...

[He turns his head a little so he can look at John while still maintaining safety beneath his pillow shield.]

A moirail--that's the troll thing--that's the best bro you go to for feelings and junk. But you're, you know, my main dude I go to hang out with and bunp fists with until we bleed out from the knuckles because I like you. Not that I don't like Karkat, or that I can't bring up heavy shit with you, but it's just...they're different categories.

[There's overlap, but the feeling is different.]

You're my best friend, John. Don't be a moron, you can't turn that shit off.

I guess I can understand that. I just don't want to make you accidentally cheat on your troll bro, I guess?

[Being culturally sensitive is hard, especially when the culture is alien and makes no sense at all.]

I'm glad that we're still best friends, though. Like, not that it would ever conceivably change, but three years is a long time, so I guess it's always good to make sure.

[After a moment, Dave rolls closer to where John is sitting and holds his fist out for a pound.]

Just because you weren't around the last three years to witness my god-level BFF loyalty doesn't mean it wasn't taking place, dog.

[And that's really all there is to say on the matter, because talking about feelings is for yearly birthday letters. And moirails.]

Besides, when I asked Karkat about how I was supposed to maintain the exclusivity of the relationship, he was all, "Fuck, Strider, I already know you're nigh-on irresistible, not your fault you can't keep cats from pawing on you like you piss high-grade catmint, and also you decorticated monkeys have no sense of pale decorum anyway so whatever, I can deal." ...So he gets it. Nothing's changing, I'm just telling you so if you see me and Karkat, like...h. Holding hands or something, or telling each other, "You don't smell that much like a week-old diaper that got pooped in," you don't get the wrong idea.

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